I should probably write more in this blog. I lay awake at night thinking about what I would write. But then I am just so damned tired.
My dear cat just died. By the way, I am thinking of re-naming this blog “mystupidcat” or “myhusbandsstupidexwife”, because I seem to be writing about them a lot. I really need to find a life.
ANYway, poor Lupita. Poor me. I miss her so much. We paid (a small fortune) to have a mobile vet come to the house on Sunday to put her to sleep. On Friday, I had sort of convinced myself everything might be ok. Maybe for a few days, maybe for a week, hell, maybe for a month. She ate something that day for the first time in something like 6 days, and afterwards let me groom her with a brush for over half an hour. She was a very, very pretty and happy kitty. I swear she was smiling. I know she was happy.
Saturday she was just so-so. I slept (for the 5th night in a row) on a twin mattress on the floor in the living room, just to be close to her. She did not have a good night. Very restless, very vocal and needy. She went into the fireplace, sat on the grate, and peed. Not a good sign.
In the morning, Lupe was weaker than ever. She couldn’t walk more than a few steps before giving up and lying down. Her meow was different. I couldn’t wait another day to put her out of her misery, so called this vet I found on the internet. He said he could be there in half an hour.
This was both good news and terrifying news. I started to have a mild panic attack. Half an hour, and the grim reaper would be at my house. All I could do was hold her, rock back and forth, and cry.
This cat has been the most steady thing in my life for over a decade. She has lived in 4 houses with me. She has been through 3 major relationships with me (current one still going. Thankgod). She has comforted me through some serious drama no woman should ever have to go through. She has been such a good, good kitty.
The grim reaper came, his name was Barry, he was a nerdy guy in his mid-forties or so and had braces. He talked to us for a while and evaluated Lupita and agreed she was suffering. In the living room, on top of the mattress I had been sleeping on for a week, I held her as he sedated her. She did not flinch as the needle went in, and she fell asleep quickly. Then he euthanized her with another syringe, I will always remember that the solution was blue, and there was a lot of it. It took a million years for him to slowly inject it into her. Whenever she finally went, I do not know. I really thought I would know; I thought I’d be able to feel it somethow. After he took out the needle, he used his stethoscope and confirmed her heart had stopped.
I kept petting her. It was so hard to believe she was gone. The vet took her paw print in a piece of clay and wrote her name in it. I cannot bear to look at it; I don’t even know where it is right now. I can only hope Lupe knows that I took good care of her, I did everything I could and I loved her so very much.
I finally had to hand her over; the vet covered her up and took her with him. I will get her ashes sometime in the next few days.
I can’t believe how hard this has been. It ranks right up there with my miscarriages, honestly, but it is different. I never knew my babies, but I knew my BabyLu. It is incredibly difficult to come home to a house without her. I miss her yelling at me when I get home, berating me for daring to leave her alone for 9 hours. I miss feeding her the stinky-ass wet food that she loved. I miss how she talked to me, how she listened to me. I miss talking to my husband about how “Lu did this, or Lu did that”. Most of all, I miss Lupe coming to bed with us, getting under the blanket, and spooning with me. So many things are lonely without my Babycat.
I don’t know what to do next. There is a giant hole in my heart.
Sweet dreams, my love.
mystupiduterus 